let me get back to this letter.

My body is nothing but a homage to how retardedly clumsy I am. Where did all these bruises, cuts and scrapes come from? I don't even remember ramming into anything. This isn't the result of drinking, as I haven't drank in awhile.

I'm tired. I work way too much. I cover other people's shifts. No one really likes me there because I'm young, I've never waitressed before, and I don't think I was trained properly. Of course, it's also my fault because I keep making little errors that seem to bitchslap everybody's mood.

I don't really hang out with anyone. If I happen to go to Edinboro, yeah. Other than that, I see Chris Whalen and the Mullens. Soon my roommates, I guess. I was hanging out with this guy, but as good looking as he was, he wasn't very sharp. I also let him try to kiss me once but he was such a bad kisser,I reeled away in disgust. I think he's so self-absorbed that he didn't even realize that it was his fault. I ignore his texts and calls now because I can't think of a nicer way to end it.

Other than that, no heat, no hot water at my new place. Waiting for the gas company to swing by tomorrow. It's my day off. My plans are to sit online and try to find better jobs.

FUCK YOU UPPER MIDDLE CLASS MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN WITH YOUR POINSETTIAS, YOUR SUVS, YOUR CUSTOM MAILBOXES AND THE TEN PERCENT YOU TIP ME EVEN THOUGH I MADE SURE THEY DIDN'T PUT ONIONS ON YOUR HEARTLAND GRILLED SALAD, PUT THE RICE WINE VINAIGRETTE ON THE SIDE, BROUGHT YOU BREAD EVEN THOUGH IT DOES NOT COME WITH IT, GOT YOU COUNTLESS GODAMN DIET COKES WITH LEMONS AND BROUGHT YOU A NEW POLISHED SOUP SPOON BECAUSE YOUR OTHER ONE HAD A FUCKING SMUDGE ON IT

I'm having a hard time with this growing up thing.

I feel like memories become forced when you grow older.

In your youth, everything is about spontaneity. You are free-spirited, you make mistakes, you run wild and take chances.

When you get older, you begin to schedule and force-feed yourself memories. You take staged photographs, put them on Facebook, maybe take them to the drug store to get developed. Maybe you frame them, maybe you put them in a picture album. But it's always for some memory that seems irrelevant years later, something you can't taste, smell, or hear when you close your eyes. It's just there, sitting there in some crusty photo album reminding you that this is what happiness is supposed to look like. Happiness is getting a bunch of people together on some random weekend once a month to avoid scheduling conflicts, maybe a quiet night of drinking wine and poker, maybe going to the shore, maybe visiting an amusement park. It's all cookie-cutter, it comes in a basic size and shape.

But no matter what, it'll never beat the time your best friend fell in a lake because he wasn't paying attention to the slippery dock. Or the time your ex-boyfriend let you drive around the city, clutching the door handle the whole time, pretending that he wasn't worried. Or the time you and your friends laid strewn in a circle, heads together, sweaty after a game of freeze tag in a dorm's basement.

Is that all over? Am I going to stop rolling down hills when I feel the urge? Am I going to look both ways when I cross the street? Am I going to settle for board game night and befriend my coworkers?

Fuck, I hope not. I can't settle for that. I will never settle.

It's mindblowing when the most gorgeous guys you don't think you'd ever have a chance with are thinking the same thing you are.

I've been back in Edinboro for the past two weekends. It was homecoming last night, so I had a blast with Jess, Katie, Chris and the gang. Saw some faces I ran into last week, but it was all a blur (and I was sober, surprisingly.) Aaron is acting like a nutjob, but what else is new?

I got a job at Houlihans. I waitress. It blows. It's busy enough, the food is pricey enough, but really, this is not what I had planned right after college.

We're looking at places in Crafton on Tuesday. I can't wait.

i am already excited, and hoping that i get a job soon so i can buy that SWEET FUCKING SAILOR MARS COSTUME I JUST FOUND ONLINE!


ben wants to go to some hip pittsburgh party. i want to go to edinboro and visit my friends and go to lame house parties/the keg.

it seems early to have any dilemmas about halloween, but it is my FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR.

i never thought i'd say this, but pittsburgh is the most beautiful/scenic city i've ever visited. everyone is so nice and warm. even the homeless men say cute things like: "HEY CHEAT ON UR BOYFRIEND WIT ME!!!1"

i've been exploring a lot by myself lately. been getting lost. taking the wrong buses. hanging out in parks with pigeons. smiling big!

- Six more pages to go for my Comm. Law final, and I'm done with finals week!
- I'm pretty satisfied with my thesis. Not all of my stories are my best effort, but fuck, you gave me a time restraint.
- Grandparents are coming up Friday. Saturday, I graduate. Meghan's coming too, hopefully I'll be able to see her.
- I'm moving in with Katie C. as soon as possible. The house is great. I've already been sort of crashing there ever since she gave me the spare key.
- Almost got arrested today because I was doing homework when Katie wasn't home in her living room when I spotted a bat-sized wasp. I across the street, grabbed Timon at my house and made him come over to kill it. Unfortunately, we couldn't find the wasp, but I managed to leave my wallet and key on the kitchen table, and proceeded to lock the door. I needed my wallet. So I began to climb through a window when lo and behold! A cop comes driving up with this on his face: "?wtf" But don't worry, he managed to break in, I showed him my wallet and everything was fine. The end.
- Got two potential summer jobs lined up to make some excess cash before I move to Pittsburgh. A tanning salon OR working at a YMCA with little kids. Neither of which are my forte.
- This is it. This is my last summer. My last hurrah. I haven't gotten too sentimental yet.

All I want to know is that someday I'll be talking to my daughter who has a broken heart.

And I'll start the story with: "Well, I once went through the same thing with a boy in college.."

i r excited because meghan is back from ireland (for good.)

and she's on her way over to spend the week with me!

WOW GOOD JOB NIKKI MIGHT BE PREGNANT

I THOUGHT SHE HAD HER SHIT TOGETHER MORE THAN JENNY AND I BOTH PUT TOGETHER

I was just reading up on the east coast/west coast rap feud. And if Biggie really did hire someone to kill Tupac, I'm sorry, but he had it COMING. BITCH WOULDN'T SHUT HIS MOUTH AND KEPT THREATENING BIGGIE OH AND THEN HE WENT AND SAID HE FUCKED BIGGIE'S WIFE. NO HE DIDN'T. NO. HE. DIDN'T.


I wish I knew all this in 96 when I was like, 11 and totally on Death Row's side. It was basically because I was asking myself: "why do they let Puff Daddy in these videos? He can't rap. Guys, he can't rap."

I've been back in Edinboro for a few days. Besides obsessing over money problems and the prospect of having a new job, I've been alright.

New Year's was awesome. Aaron came up for a day, and we were silly and nervous around each other. We all drank champagne at my house and ended up and Dave and Micah's new place. Somehow, Aaron made me spaghetti when he was drunk (it was his birthday, too!) The worst part is when we were sleeping together and he was clinging to me, and I realized: shit, I can't have this tomorrow. He's going to be gone.

He got me really cute mittens and he's getting me the new Dave Sedaris. He knows me well.

Katie C. just moved into her new house across the street and we sat with her mom, unpacking, putting her bed and essentially her life back together. The girl is only 23, but she's lived and shared bills with a man, has been engaged, and is single now. I swear, she's already going through her midlife crisis. She's such a strong girl, and I really want to learn how to be like that. I need a car, and a great job in Erie. Here's a girl who was engaged to a guy who made over a hundred grand a year and still paid her share of the rent and took *him* out to dinner, while putting herself through school (not to mention really, really challenging math classes.)

I'm rambling now. I got a new ac adapter for my laptop. I'm probably going to keep reading and playing SecondLife (stfu.) E's True Hollywood story for Howie Mandell is playing in the background.

For the record, I saw Slumdog Millionaire and it was great--how the FUCK does Danny Boyle always do such a great job? No idea.

Well, my house isn't finished yet--but it's completely different. Especially my room.

The carpet is white. They re-arranged my furniture. I have a new desk. No bean bag chair. It's spacious. My bathroom has a clear-shower and you can see yourself in the mirror when you're showering which is REALLY WEIRD. Not to mention black tiles and a vanity in the outside part of the bathroom.

I like the change. I like eating well and listening to my grandparents bicker. It's endearing. I can't believe I went a whole year without seeing these two. Without being in my house.

One week until I am home!

I've had "Three Blind Mice" stuck in my head for three days.

I spent Thanksgiving (and the last three days alone in my room with no one home.) I am going stir-crazy! I should've went home with Aaron, but I had too much work to do and didn't want to be stuck there for weird days. Besides, his father is weird:

Phone rings.
Me: Hello?
Aaron's Dad: Hello, this is Aaron Simon's dad. (Aaron doesn't have a phone, so people call me to get a hold of him sometimes.)
Me: Oh, hi!
Dad: Hi Erica, it's still Aaron's dad. (I can tell by his voice he's smirking -- he's a weirdly sadistic guy.)
Erica: I know.
Dad: You remember me? I've met you a few times. I took you out for gyros and you wouldn't eat one.
Erica: Oh, I remember! What's up?
Dad: Tell Aaron to meet me at the bar at 7:30, I'll take him home.
Erica: What bar?
Dad: The one in Meadville.
Erica: Which one is that?
Dad: The Bosco bar.
Erica: I think he's getting a ride home tonight around 6, so he should be at your house when you get home.
Dad: Alright. I'll talk to you later, Erica. This is Aaron Simon's dad.
Erica: Bye.



Also, I was keeping weird hours. I'd stay up till 3 pm and go to bed until like, 12:30 am. I knew no was in town so this is how I entertained myself:

- Infomercials were often my soundtrack
- I watched Zack and Miri, which further fueled my intense hatred for Kevin Smith with his shitty dialogue, lame storylines and being obscene just to be obscene.
- I downloaded Photoshop again. I haven't touched it since 11th grade. I also downloaded a shit load of paintbrushes, made pretty pictures, and worked on Lichenstein-style artwork with myspace pictures of my friends. (I will never show it to any of them, because it's creepy)
- Prank called my mother.
- Discovered a lump under my armpit which I will need to get checked out when I get home. Worrying ensued.
- Wrote a little bit.
- Wrote three papers. Studied.
- Stumbled. A LOT. At least 60% of my time was spent doing this. One word: snopes.com.
- Online monopoly, scrabble, trivial pursuit.


I forgot what it was like being a zombie and zoning out in front of a computer screen. I used to do this religiously as a teenager, but have since forgotten. I barely ate, but somehow remembered to shower. In three days I went through two packs of cigarettes. My room smells stale and horrible. I also started hallucinating footsteps in my house on day two, around 4 pm. As soon as I heard something whisper I decided it was time to go to sleep.

- Got into Chimera (our club's award-winning lit/art-zine, yeah WE'RE UP THERE WITH YALE FOR SOME REASON)
- Might win a cash-prize for that. There were only three prose pieces picked.
- Worked all this week. Made good money on Saturday. Business wasn't slow, for once. Crossroads Dinor has also been permanently closed down. GOOD.
- Today, I'm sincerely nervous because I have a reading at the retirement home at 1. I had to interview a senile man for my feature writing class. He kept telling the same story over and over again. So, I don't have much. Plus, his whole fucking family's going to be there. If there's any inaccuracies I tape recorded the interview, so it'd be his fault. This is a lot of pressure. It's supposed to be read at his funeral, too.
- I stopped smoking. JUST KIDDING.
- I did get Subway that day I really wanted it.
- I lose my shit at least once, annually. The other day it was over who should clean up their mess of dishes in the sink. Timon is high/drunk all the time, and never cleans up after himself. I feel like his mother. I've cleaned this house about six times thoroughly over the semester, while my roommates just kind of stared at me dumbly, without offering a helping hand. Needless to say, when I texted him to please do his dishes, he banged on my door and told me to fuck myself. Because of course, they weren't his. They just magically appeared. Surely, they were mine. So, after letting this sit in my stomach for the past five months, all the rage bubbled to the surface and I ended up screaming so loud, I cried. Then I hit the fridge and hurt my hand. He did the dishes, haphazardly, and then cleaned the kitchen table with a fucking Lysol wet cloth, calling me names all the while. I blame this on the fact he hadn't any weed for two days.
- Joekelly agreed to bust out the 'Jesus' stencil over Christmas week.
- Last night, Aaron was eating a Snickers bar. He wouldn't stop until he successfully spit a piece of it back into my mouth (pretty much regurgitating)and then afterwards, he smiled proudly, and rubbed my belly exclaiming: "See baby? I fed you. I fed you."

And Doritos.

I am so hungry. OH AND I WANT A BOWL OF SOUP BUT I PROBABLY WOULDN'T FINISH IT. THAT'S OKAY THE SOUP IS LUKEWARM ANYWAY.

It's been a shaky couple of weeks.

I'm starting to really slack off with my schoolwork. I used to dedicate everything I could offer into it. I keep getting nervous about potentially losing my job, which in turn, brings a long list of consequences:

- Financial security
- Having to move back home when I graduate
(no longer being with Aaron, who plans to stay for awhile.)

The only reason I'm worried about my job is because I have yet to be put on payroll after five months. Apparently, the Keg's policy is basically -- you make it when your ass is on payroll. I've done everything in my power to hustle, learn as fast as possible, be polite. According to Lindsey though, she is a little bit put off by the fact that I never "lose my cool" and I'm not "assertive" enough to customers. When a drunk college kid or old man tells me I'm beautiful, or calls me 'hon,' I don't take it as a direct sexist insult. I don't tell said college kid or old man to point-blank "go fuck themselves." I feel it's unnecessary, and everyone needs a compliment every now and again. The girls I work with don't appreciate compliments, I guess.

My friendship with Ben is strained. I don't see him ever, and when I do, he's a condescending asshole (and figure that out, because I didn't think he was smart enough to be a condescending asshole) and lashes out on Aaron only when other people are present. I don't know if he thinks he's slick, but it's right there in big, bold fucking letters: U R JELUZ.

He also says: I miss the Erica from two years ago.
Conveniently, two years ago is when I dated him. And I think I'm the same person: upright, honest, angry, and at the same time usually pretty happy. The only difference between now and two years ago is that I've actually tried to curb my negativity.

I've been hanging out a lot with Doug, Adam, Devon, SJ, Micah and Seth Pacileo (he's back!) lately. I admire their blatant disregard for drama and living like a bunch of punk squatters, beer in hand, cigarette in mouth. In fact, Seth and I have never gotten along so well.

I never get to go out anymore, and when I do, I usually just get fucking wasted because I'm so bored with the people around me. After four cranberry and vodkas, everyone is suddenly really interesting! I miss Meghan a lot. I miss Jordan, even though he lives in my basement. I just never have time.

On top of that, I have these weird like... zit (?) things on my chest. I think it's from wearing necklaces. But wtf!

But at the end of the day, I'll sit around with Aaron, watching stupid youtube videos, laughing. He always makes me laugh. I get so scared sometimes that this is going to be cut short again, and that I'll just drag on for months and months, not eating, bawling, missing out on life. And if/when that happens: who do I have? No one. Jordan's leaving soon. Ben is cold. Meghan is in Ireland. Karly is in New Jersey.

Anyway, I think I'm going to arrange a week during winter break to come home, even if it's not Christmas week. I need to go to the Khyber, I need to feel Kate's bosom, I need to laze on the couch with my grandparents (they're not getting any younger.) I'm going to volunteer to work on Thanksgiving because everyone else has a family to go home to. And what the fuck do I have to do? Nothing.